Fresh Wind & Green Grass

The only Disney princess story I grew up with was Mulan. A powerful story, with no marriage becoming a solution for everything in life. Then, when I was around high school or early college, my Dad took my late Mother to China for a holiday (without their growin-up kids, pfft), and showed me very beautiful pictures of landscapes and trees, and I swore to myself that I needed to visit this country, and it should be an academic invitation rather than a holiday. I don't say having a holiday is bad, but I am curious about the thought exchange with their own people and having the opportunity to be introduced to their culture and food by their think tank. It's a different experience, you know. China is rising from the most populated country in the world "stigma" to a tech and economic giant, and I want to witness on my own what they do differently from us; how they think; what kind of life they are having; and so many more questions.

I hit the jackpot. I worked my ass off for a field that I thought wasn't interesting at all, but it is my principle that whatever work lands in my mailbox, no matter what the billing is, I will just do my best. It turns out that my effort was seen and valued; then, in the blink of an eye, I received an honorary invitation to speak at a high-level academic forum, in a field that I enjoy the most: museums and parks. The invitation was intended for my name only, and not to be exchanged with others. With adjustments to my packed personal schedule that month, leaving my toddler with my supportive husband at home, I finally stepped into the country of my dreams and one of the world's dinosaur hotspots: China.

There were so many fossils that even it was sold legally as a merch

It was relatively cold when I arrived in Chengdu, and I was picked up by a PhD student. He was not that fluent in English, but I could feel his excitement in taking care of me. The drive to the hotel took around one hour, and I was the first international guest to arrive. Who would have guessed that Sichuan and Bali now have a direct flight? A very interesting fact. The PhD student took me to a very nice breakfast, where we discussed developments and studying in China at length. He told me that nowadays having PhD in China is a good option as you will be well-paid, even enough for supporting a small family. There is no need for young generation to study abroad like in the past. He is also working at the Natural History Museum, where the main event was held, but he needed to take off first, then I had time to explore the city on my own before lunch. During that first lunch, the Impostor syndrome hit so hard. How come a young person with no real fieldwork experience in paleontology and geology, who has not even started her PhD yet, can sit with these people? Later in the dinner, the banquet was even more formal. It was a welcome dinner with high-level stakeholders who funded my travel and the overall event. I sat next to Chengdu Natural History Museum's director, a very energetic man named Tao Su, who was so kind that he even added my WeChat personally after the dinner. 

A table full of prominent figures (except me ofc) in paleontology and its conservation

Chengdu Natural History Museum at night, the design is mimicking mountains that surround the city. China does a good job in balancing their ancient cultures and modernity, I admit. I stayed at hotel across, so lucky.

A tour to Chengdu Natural History Museum and guided by the director himself. When else can I get this opportunity?

Over the next few days, I had the opportunity to be introduced by my number one female supporter at the moment (and I will be forever thankful to her for how she worked hard to ensure that I could join this event) to her peers, senior paleontologists. People who discovered dinosaur eggs and nests, or ancient cycas, or worked in a fossil museum for more than a decade. I kept asking what I was doing there, but I just placed my enthusiastic and confident face, and nothing else. Pretending I had no fear of being at their tables. I loved talking to them, but more than anything, I loved talking with the local museum staff and liaisons. Because who knew I could be fed up with the dinosaurs there, although the visit to the fossil and dinosaur museum and the National Parks was still thrilling? After a long 3-day symposium where I also delivered an oral speech, and then followed by 3-day field trip surrounded by dinosaurs and fossils, I enjoyed discussion over dinners or on the bus trip with the locals about other things in life and made some observations. That is what I will write more here, something beyond the dinosaurs.

A National Park that revives a fossil wood excavation site. The museum building's design behind is mimicking the fossil wood.

Real fossil woods placed as if a fossil forest reconstructed in its real location

Before departure, my colleague, who had completed her PhD at one of China's top universities, told me that China is notorious for theft and that people often avoid queuing. But now it is different. People are polite (not in a warm way), but they queue, and it is relatively safe. The line at airport immigration was so efficient, better than the US the last time I was there, and even the white Westerners seemed obliged to the officers (a rare sight in Bali, lol). The committee still warned us about how people might try to scam us online, though. However, I did not experience any pickpockets, unlike what I did in Malaysia. Chengdu is a big city with empty stores. Local students informed me that people nowadays buy almost everything online, except for food. That is why, no matter how far I walk, I will only find food stalls.

Chengdu, a city full of people and food

A chaotic but lovely wefie with experts from US, Thailand, Japan, and Cambodia. In broken English we unite!

Another interesting conversation was about money. There was one time that the local liaison was so surprised that I used Alipay in a gift shop (ofc I installed it I wanted to pay like local and it was so effin hard to find RMB in money exchange in Bali - I wondered why but now it's answered), saying that it is so rare that tourist will use app rather than cash. I explained to him how I worked in the IT industry before transitioning to environmental conservation and how Indonesia is also familiar with QR payment gateway, and before we knew it, we had long conversations about how young people thrive in China nowadays.

I feel belong to this museum and park group; they eat good food and talk about how to make it

He's around my age and married, with no kids. He said it is a common conception of being childfree in China because the youths start to think that children may bring no happiness in life, and they are fine with it. Additionally, China is shifting its focus from manufacturing to the tourism industry, as before COVID-19, the Chinese were relatively conservative with their spending and typically spent very little, allowing them to afford a house. However, after the pandemic, and in light of the realization that life is short, people began to think more about enjoying their lives and consider not owning a house as acceptable. This shift is huge, making China starts to spend a lot of money in renovating their museum and parks, change all the old directors to young, and mostly women, and this position is not for long; they will be at the office for 2-3 years or so, then replaced again, to ensure that there will be new approach and innovative ideas going on around.

The Zigong Salt History Museum

During the event, I had the rare opportunity to visit a salt mine industry museum in a National Park in Zigong, only to discover how ancient the industry of mining salt from the rocks is (yes, not from the ocean; Sichuan is far from the ocean). It might reveal the innovativeness of the ancient Chinese people and their conflict with Japan, but to me, it showcased the highest level of being human: thinking. When we face limitations in obtaining essential things in life and have no access to them, what do we do? We think. Cogito, ergo sum. To this day, I can still hate someone simply because they lack interest in improving their cognitive abilities. To not have a plan, to not think far the impact of their actions, to not think how others think. They don't realize that our strength as humans is only that we are able to think about thinking. In China, I witnessed that no matter how pissed off you can be with Chinese customs, you need to admit that their civilization is still top-notch in many things; from salt mining to cooking, and yes, I tried so many foods here that I never thought could be eaten before. 

A display reminding me Smithsonian Natural History Museum in DC

Tourism in China is so serious that they have even established a level in their parks. Specific level indicating the quality of the building, knowledge, protection, and system, and park or museum directors are competing with each other to achieve a higher level. It's becoming a prestige, and with this system, it is raising the standard automatically. People I met say that competition is so common in China, so you have to be the best in everything. It is a good climate for their industries. However, one person said that the government is there to help you. If you are laid off because your industry is obsolete, the government will provide you with training to enable you to work in a new industry, and they will also help build that new industry. 

The use of dinosaur robots in a museum owned by a businessman, located in the middle of his own manufacturing complex

After a very packed seven-day journey in China, I sat alone waiting for my flight back to Bali and thinking. Apart from realizing that I was a lucky bastard in life (to be visiting museums and parks surrounded by real professors and paleontologists who guided me), I questioned myself. Why is China serious about its dinosaur excavation and study? I conclude that it is to learn and make money out of it. They learn about its biology, mechanisms of bones, structure, and behavior. They copy it for their robot industry, then sell it to the world for tourism (and yes, Thailand has bought one of them). Or, to make it as an information to build their museum and sell the tickets, then give back to fund the scientific research. It's insanely smart - I think. However, from an ethical standpoint, it raises a question: do we need to profit from any discoveries made in science? 

Holding a ginkgo leaf in my hand and longing for my son and husband, I was questioning myself: Is it the only way to make science survive?

When I was younger, I believed vicarious learning was the most essential type of learning of all. I mean, isn’t it amazing that our species can learn something from people’s experience, not our own? But when I experienced pregnancy, now I do believe that nothing beats experiential learning.

My husband and I made a decision at the beginning of our marriage that we weren’t ready for kids so we decided to postpone it for 2 to 3 years. I personally needed a very thorough and long thought for this decision. Answering the head’s questions like Why do I need a child? Will I be a good mother? What if one day, s/he grew up the way I had not expected?

Along the way, we learned that the maternity insurance scheme doesn’t work that flexibly, so we needed to try in our 1.5 years of marriage. Plus, I’m approaching the age of 30. After the screening test, we learned that we were fertile and everything was normal – thanks to our no-smoking & alcohol lifestyle, we successfully conceived on the first try during my fertile period. However, in the ten weeks of pregnancy, I started to bleed and rushed to the ER, finding out I got a blighted ovum in a few hours. There was no time to process the loss of our soon-to-be baby, so my husband and I decided to have a D&C procedure to make sure that all the tissue came out of my body. I was then run into the surgery room, and in the next few hours, my husband and I got home to cry out our loss.

This moment was life-changing. I started to do my own desk research on blighted ovum and found out the chance of this type of miscarriage happening is 50%, and lots of people experienced this. As there was no support group and I was super reluctant to blatant sayings about being patient from those who never had experienced these conditions, I spent a lot of time studying others’ journeys to cope with this kind of grief. Having a miscarriage is an unexplainable situation because I never knew why the baby wouldn’t grow. As there is no scientific assurance on its cause, it was more difficult to process rather than facing my mom’s fatal accident. There is no one to blame. Lots of other parents said even the loss will never get over until you have another kid because it was still a pregnancy, and we are losing our chance to hold our baby.

One of many things that changed in my life after the miscarriage was that I became more aware of what I wanted in life. I no longer hold the ambition to look for more projects and new opportunities; all seemed so faded. I immediately dropped around 10 leads of clients. The career peak of mine that I experienced in the last 2 years seemed no longer significant when I dealt with this. When I started to get pregnant, to be honest, because it happened so soon as we first tried to conceive, I didn’t realize how ready I was to be a parent. During the grieving period, I came to realize that no one is ever ready to be a parent, but losing a baby is as painful as when you really want to have one. I need to be ready, not wait to be ready. The other thing is I came to realize how dear my husband is to me and how he has so much love for me to consume. He was totally present at all times, leaving all the work behind, and stood by me at the hospital. He was always there when I was experiencing a breakdown again, and it made him the only single person on Earth I wanted to talk to. At some points, I felt that Earth did not exist anymore, just the two of us. 

After the experience, we talked a lot about our life and work. We came to realize that we gave too much to others that we didn’t get back as much as we gave. We decided to be colder and say no to many things or opportunities so that the burden of things is not on our shoulders anymore. I recalled that a specialized maternity nurse asked me in the ER whether I experienced stress or not, and I confidently said no. She replied, “It is often the stress that you are not aware of.” I think that was a wake-up call to be a kinder version of ourselves. Giving up on being “always available for work, and always giving the best at work”. I stopped to say hi first to family and friends because, typically, I would be the first to do so and listened to all of their stories without them asking mine.

I think hiring a maid is no longer a relevant thing these days, so I tried to do everything on my own despite the growing belly

We stopped trying for a while to give my body a good rest, and six months after the miscarriage, I got two lines on a pregnancy test. I was happy for a second, but then the anxiety stormed me without mercy. At 4 AM, I suddenly realized that I needed to get help. Then I read about emotional cushioning and found it’s what I felt. I hoped that it was not too serious that I needed to see a therapist.

For you who just experienced a miscarriage, here are for you; I hope these help because they did for me:

• Anxiety of Pregnancy after Miscarriage
• Michelle Obama on Miscarriage
• ‘How I Felt Being Pregnant, After My Loss’

And these are tips for you after having heard your relatives or friends had miscarriages:

• Take a pause; don’t immediately act. Say genuinely that you’re sorry to hear it, and ask if there’s anything you can help with. 
• Don’t tell them to be patient, or don’t worry, or just ask them to try again, or it’s God’s plan. Don’t ask why. It’s hurtful, has no point, and not helping at all. You’ll remind them of all the pain they felt and tried to leave behind.
• Unless you have no experience with miscarriage, don’t tell any story to them about miscarriage. Whether it’s your friends’ experiences or anyone else's. No, never. When you feel that you “know how it feels”, no, you don’t. So just give them a silent comfort.
• If you have experience with miscarriage, talk with them in private and ask how they feel. Then, after they tell their side of the story, share yours. I found it very relaxing to hear about my neighbors’ experience with miscarriage, and it really helped me to carry on. Unfortunately, support group is rarely available in Indonesia, so I only could read or watched people’s stories online and it did help me a lot to cope.

Second pregnancy that went so smooth

During this second pregnancy, I decided to drop off many job opportunities to be more focused on myself, my baby, my husband, and, of course, my cat - before he became the forgotten first child. My hub and I were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to finish all financial liabilities and debt at the beginning of this second pregnancy, so we can be more lax on thinking about money. I left only non-profit work on my plates, things that I enjoy the most and that are flexible, time-wise and emotion-wise. I started a new hobby to write drama series reviews and it helped me a lot to heal myself. I began to enjoy my Monday morning sipping milk with no weekly report and absorbing a great amount of Bali sunshine from my dining room.

Celebrating 7-months pregnancy with closest friends

I had the best time of myself, meeting old friends and hosting house parties, and found out that a lot of women around me actually experienced miscarriage in their first pregnancy. One that shocked me was my first mentor of grant-writing, a super kind American woman who worked for the US Embassy in Jakarta for several years, then moved to Montana, and is now happily married for decades with two young adult kids. I just knew that she experienced the same type of miscarriage with mine in the third month of her first pregnancy, and it was very common, too, in the US. 

3 months, Plaga Eco Park, Petang

During this period, I also witnessed the best quality of a man came out from my husband, who always drove me everywhere no matter how busy he was, who cleaned my feet during a bath because I no longer could reach them, cooked for me, did gardening stuff, and so on. He is everything I could ask for in a life partner, and I am blessed with his presence. I also found a new ally, a renowned paleobotanist from Thailand who works around the world and is a supportive woman, and together we are cooking something amazing. All the work, including publishing two papers, while being pregnant - and surprisingly, my regular big government client still hired me to conduct research at the end of my pregnancy; and I think, judging by their praise at the end of the project, I nailed it. 

4 months, Batur, Kintamani

I always have low anxiety when it comes to general quality of life, but this pregnancy really brought me the experience of anxiety. I constantly thought of whether he would survive and be happy, and even though every hospital visit and ultrasound said everything was okay, I often found myself thinking about a lot of things happening inside my belly. Every kick and punch the baby gave me became a short assurance that everything was okay, but then, hours later, I got that anxiety again. Beating this anxiety felt like another adulthood trophy, and I was never more proud of myself. I have never loved my body the same way I did when I was pregnant. And I just realized I looked good in pregnancy. No pregnancy nose, acne, or excessive fat. I gained 20 kgs, but it wasn't looked that way. Oh, I love being pregnant (though I am not sure I would love to go over it again).

5 months - Bali Botanical Park, Bedugul

Then it happened. After months of yoga to try for vaginal delivery, a week of constant late-night contraction, and almost reaching 40 weeks of pregnancy, my baby decided to stay in my womb. My hub and I decided quite quickly to get a C-section on Friday morning after Galungan festivities, and he was born into the world. My rainbow baby is big, beautiful, and healthy. Weighing 3.3 kgs, with no sign of abnormality or yellow skin, he stayed in my room for two consecutive days in the hospital, and we came home together. There was only my husband there, but the world had never seemed that peaceful to me. The first night was exhaustive because he had colic, but it taught me and my husband a lot of newborn care.

6 months - Nuanu city, Tabanan

Surprised me a lot how so many people were happy with him being born. We had so many gifts and guests, kind prayers, and even the whole neighborhood rallied when our car approached our house. Some closest neighbors even accompanied us to leave the hospital and helped us to prepare the things we needed for placenta burial. We got so many things for caring for the baby from gifts from around the world - from nuclear and extended family members, friends, colleagues, and neighbors - even though we already said that we needed nothing but prayer, but now I do believe in the saying: it does take a village to raise kids. My neighbors offered help to take care of the newborn (because they noticed my hub and I have no family in Bali, and we decided not to hire a nanny or domestic helper) and sent us food. I often think about what kind of things I have done to them that make them so kind to my little family. What could I ask for more than a caring neighborhood, attentive in-laws, a loving husband, and a wave of breastmilk that is more than sufficient to feed my baby - along with the privilege of a Working-from-Anywhere arrangement to be with my baby always?

Javanese-style placenta burial. All equipment was provided by our neighbors and my in-laws.

Tips for giving a present to a new mom:

• Food. Give a package of ease and comfort; the best are frozen foods because it will be sleepless nights and too much to cook.
• High-pitch and contrast toys to stimulate the newborn.
• Nursing pillow for supporting mom’s weak muscles when feeding.
• I also suggest visiting the new mom (if the baby is healthy) at the hospital because she doesn’t need to serve you anything, and there is a feeling for you to just make a quick visit. If you plan to visit at home, confirm first and be on time! A new mom, especially when she has no help from family or nanny, struggles with schedules.

What is intriguing for me is the biology part. I came to realize that we humans are biological creatures, after all. Sometimes, the reason to have kids is just a force of nature, just like sex. But as social and highly intelligent creatures, we tried so much to redefine everything based on social constructs. For example, when medical research has found it is best to have kids before the mother (and father, actually) reaches 35 years old, we denied it so hard to say that it is okay to have kids whenever you are ready, even if it is late in life (do the math: how old will you be when your kid still need financial support to thrive? Will you be fit enough to carry a newborn and have never-ending sleepless nights?). 

Our first-day rodeo. The hospital was so good that it allowed new moms with healthy babies to spend all days and nights with their babies in the same room.

Our little bundle of joy

Later, I also found out that I am among the lucky mothers who have no problem with breastmilk and even get excess to be pumped every morning. My hub and I followed a really good and calming online class about breastfeeding before labor, and everything the counselor said was true: breastfeeding is a good collaboration between mom, baby, and father. It has to be given regularly so that the hormone will keep producing milk, but the baby should be able to latch correctly to the nipples, and the father should give proper support. I hope that every mother out there also gets this privilege of mine.

My liquid gold excess. Forever grateful for this.

Another interesting part is that I found myself crying sometimes when I breastfed my baby, remembering the miscarriage. I found out later that this is normal due to a phenomenon called Dysphoric milk ejection reflex, or D-MER. I had read that this would happen, but I let it burst. Feeling the pain is good for us to move on. I know that the memory of the miscarriage will stay forever, but I promise to cherish the existence of my son even more. My son, I would not be a perfect mother, but I will always pray that the world will be kind to you and you are happy to be born.

I am blessed to have these two

All in all, I am thankful for this experience, the VIP seat of the beginning of motherhood. It gives me a whole new perspective on life, and knowing I chose the right husband (through an emotional roller-coaster of love life stories), a truly caring, supportive, loving, and present man. To be present, when we don’t have parents to hold our hands when those big moments happen, times when I needed help the most. People say that a woman will never forget how a man treats her when she is pregnant and giving labor, and that is true. I also witnessed how high my patience can be when caring for my baby. My life would never be the same, and I don’t mind at all. Being pregnant, miscarried, in labor, and breastfeeding - keeping a human alive with only my body in two years and still not losing my old self, had given me power as a new human more than I ever imagined.

Lawu, one of the most diverse mountain ecosystems I've ever visited.

Humans on Earth are intrigued by stories because of their capability of reflective thinking. Be a good storyteller, and you will have others’ attention. My grad thesis experiment proved how even adults are affected by a story about animals that we often find in kids’ books. Famous stories across the world are solid proofs of how prone we are to our ego, that fall in love with the idea of how humans have changed the world and the protagonists of the universe. 

So, what if we are not the protagonists of our life stories?

What if scientists are not the ones who are able to debunk fake psychics, like in the Japanese series “Trick” (and remembering James Randi)? What if the captain of a mission space-ships who is looking for lunar water to help the water crisis on Earth is no more capable than a zoologist who understands human evolution after consuming lunar water, like in the Korean series “The Silent Sea”? What if the key to solving multi-layer problems is a multidisciplinary collaboration where no one is the main protagonist?

I am writing this in a hopeless state of mind to see that conservation nowadays feels like a competition rather than cooperation. We, conservationists, are so hopeless, ignoring the fact that the only reason humans exist today is their cooperation, and at the basic level, we are so cooperative. Our level of cooperation is so advanced and distinguished from other big apes, as explained by Frans de Waal in his book “The Age of Empathy”. When I see conservation today, I often find scientists making their own boundaries to connect. They only talk to each other on Twitter, only liking and being involved in conversations about their expertise. It’s like living in a bubble: it’s growing bigger and more fragile to be popped, honestly. We don’t try further to be inclusive and invite experts from another field or try to understand what others think of our communications.

I lost count of having myself laugh or raising eyebrows at how exclusive our conservation communications are. Using jargon that people don’t understand and trying so hard to make conservation science “difficult, complex, something you wouldn’t understand, so just listen to us”. It’s so silly that they have expensive conference travel budget posts but do not hire a good copywriter or graphic designer. Another time, I was pissed to know that some colleagues prioritized choosing where to publish scientific papers when our projects finished over the quality standard and real impact of the scientific workshop that we were working on. It’s just… I’m lost for words. 

The “Bones” series from Fox is the best example where we can learn about how to be a good scientist. In the beginning, Dr. Temperance Brennan, a genius but full-of-oneself forensic anthropologist, was so unempathetic and cold, seeing there is no importance in understanding “soft science” like psychology or other forms of social sciences (this confused me too until I learned that forensic anthropologist is so different to anthropology and categorized as STEM) until she witnessed a mental illness patient had his episode and apologized to the leading psychologist. She also developed a good manner of working with artists and FBI agents, trying to see that there are no superior professions or skills. Dr. Brennan also learned to respect his religious Catholic husband and came to an understanding that having faith and being surrounded by family is what makes humans strong, whereas originally, she despised religions and thought those were disgusting man-made stories. In the series finale (spoiler alert), Dr. Brennan is no longer the competitive scientist but giving the throne of lab chief to her handicapped colleague - best friend. Also, she nominated her colleague, a woman artist, for a very prestigious award that she had never won before, something that she would always be jealous of other women winning because she thought she deserved all the credits in this world. Previously she even always said that this woman fellow was just an artist that happened to work at the museum and not a genius like her. I hated Brennan so much for about 9 seasons and came to love her and really hope that I can be like her, to try so hard to become a better and more inclusive person every day, to be a good mentor for her interns, and not afraid to be back from square one even to reexamine all bones remains when everything goes wrong.  

I hope conservation can be like that, full of multidisciplinary and multinational collaborations and discussions. Although created by a Republican production house, I can say also that “Bones” is the most inclusive criminal series I’ve watched; there are Black women, Muslim Persian immigrants, Hispanic artists, LGBT fellows, and so on. It shows that no matter what our political views are, we can create something that shows others what inclusivity means. So why do we compete when we can cooperate? Many brands like Toyota Daihatsu or Blackpink x various Western musicians have proved that cooperation is a good thing. It’s making me question whether we run conservation truly to make the world better or just to make us looks better?

Seriously, we just need to stop trying so hard to be the main protagonist and provide the space for others to start the conversation. It's not too much to be reminded of the principle of a sustainable ecosystem: diversity.

Showcase of some optical illusion and renewable energy technology in a museum in Amsterdam

My husband is not a fan of movies full of dialogues between two persons, so I spent time alone watching movies like Marriage Story, Lovely Man, or I’m Thinking about Ending Things. I like to hear people talking in meetings. I love to observe people in trains and stations. We can see through them a lot when people talk to each other; the emotions, the hatred or love, or the expectations. Sometimes it sucks, though, when you can see through a person and find things you did not expect before, but the truth is more satisfying in the end. However, among all those kinds of movies, I think Malcolm & Marie captivated me the most. The core problem is the man forgot to give credit to his long-time girlfriend in the speech of his most acclaimed movie. I enjoyed how the man thinks it is a very small matter compared to all that he’s done for the woman, while the woman thinks otherwise. At the end of the day they might be together again or not, but the nice thing is that to find someone we can talk about something over and over, maybe through an emotional roller-coaster, but it is the best thing in life because we’ll spend our entire life talking with our partner.

Speaking of credits, I think science organizations have been talking about this in recent years. I’ve seen numerous efforts in eradicating parachute science (one journal now has a requirement to include local authors if the study is conducted abroad, and some donors have eliminated the Western counterpart requirement). Maybe in some industries like art or technology, it’s quite hard to define how big credit is that needs to be considered, but in science, it’s more clear. Original ideas, conception, and initial foundation need to be credited.

I want to tell you the heartbreaking story of Mileva Marić, the first wife of Albert Einstein. I’d never heard of her until I watched Genius: The Series. Then I learned about her from articles and news and found out that her contributions to Einstein’s works started to be considered when there was proof of letters and other correspondences. She was left being a housewife when his husband was busy with all the inventions and pursuit of the Nobel prize. He was free to go to the library, thinking, and discussing with his fellow scientists, and she was left at the house - and later cheated. I think that’s not only cheating in romance but also in career and academic achievements. Einstein has stolen a woman’s brilliance, making her an assistant to his papers, and never mentioned it to the public.

The series might have exaggeration in some parts (and that’s okay), but one thing that I’m sure of: she was raised by an egalitarian father who supported her brilliance and passion for the science of physics and told her to never depend on any man to succeed. I’m so sure because I have two fathers in life that told me so. My biological father told me to get a good job, write, win competitions, and outsmart others. To have my own savings, to never have a debt besides a house mortgage, to go places on my own, to learn to drive well, and to not cry when life fails me. My other father, a professor, taught me to stand on my own feet, to be a good researcher without being a jerk, and to get the justice I deserve. He has taught and shown me what academic integrity means by giving me all the spotlight I deserve, stepping aside from all first-author places when it’s truly mine.

Integrity and ethics are like domestic abuse: it’s running in circles. When you've been shown once by people you respect, you’ll do one. If someone stole your spotlight in the past, there is a big chance you’ll do it someday to someone less powerful than you. Power tends to corrupt - numerous studies have proved this.

I believe that not all people in the world are kind. The world is full of liars and cheaters, including in academia and the science industry - just like what I found in my studies. People want to maximize their own profits compared to the greater good. Some of them are intentionally mean, and others are forced by situations. My respect for Einstein now is solely due to his predictions of the universe, but my view of him as a decent man has gone somewhere because what he did, I think, was not unintentional. In real life, I feel fortunate because never in my life do I feel bad about cutting ties with these intelligent but toxic people. It’s been a long time since I don’t rely my happiness on a single person. I am okay with being left with only some people around who are able to provide proper credit to others. I know I won’t be alone anyway.  

In this world full of jerks, the least we can do is not be one.

Recently I got a new client that works for a new, sustainable protein source production. This, of course, not the first time I handled a commercial sustainable product, but this got me thinking: do we have an agreement on things that we do every day that we consider sustainable really sustainable? Is this new protein source not a scam or green-washing as many products are?

These are my very personal opinions on sustainable lifestyle - very unfavorable, you might think, but I want to initiate a discussion where we are very skeptical about our decision-making process. 

1. Have fewer children, marry when necessary
   
   Growing up, I am not a fan of marriage for having a lovey-dovey life. I am a crime documentary and drama fan, and I have a firm opinion that there's no such thing as true love. How will you answer the concept of true love when people remarry after being left by their loved ones or when they can marry more than one person? What exists is a true partnership, and it can be platonic or romantic, and it still has a similar importance. What I believe is marriage is a civil union, a bond that governs who can make important decisions at critical times (say, accident or critical surgery), to whom your wealth will be handled when you pass away, and with whom you will share your everyday matters, opinions, laughter, and cries. With this in mind, I didn't have any problem getting married a bit late compared to society's standard, but I know that not everyone is privileged with this.
   
   What I want to say is I found that postponing marriage is a very environmental-friendly decision. Did you know that women that marry at a more mature age will get better access to education, wealth, and healthy reproduction? That it will be related to psychological maturity in parenting? Women who marry at an older age will also have fewer children, so they have a chance to raise their children and have more money to provide better education for their kids. The human population, I think, is the epicenter of environmental problems. Every species on this earth needs food, habitat, and other resources to survive. As the most intelligent being on this planet, the growth of our population has been and is still predicted as a major cause of habitat loss and environmental degradation. By having fewer kids or at least just 1 child per family (or adoption) we will need fewer resources from water, food production, and land conversion for human settlement. All production will be smaller, and we can focus more on human advancement in science and technology rather than basic productions.
   
   I still believe that using a condom made of rubber will always be more sustainable than having an unwanted kid. Unwanted pregnancy has been a source of many mental problems (and mainly always on the mother, not the father) and economic turbulence in a family, and we need to stop this loophole. Up until today, my heart goes to organizations that work for planned parenthood and women's empowerment because that helps the environment a lot.
   
   
2. Diversify our food, eat whatever is available nearby
   
   
   I am a bit fed up whenever I am told that veganism is the solution to all environmental problems. The most important thing that I learned as I grew up is that there is never a single solution to all problems. Did you know that entomophagy is also a solution to save resources to produce protein? And what kind of silly opinion is that saying we can only consume things that don't feel pain when one study suggests that plants also experience pain? How will you tell a family living in poverty, on a remote island where a flight to there from Bali is even more expensive than to Jakarta though the island is closer to Bali, to stop eating lamb or cow in an area where water is scarce, and no vegetable will survive the climate? 
   
   The problem with our diet is production. I have a commodity client, so I am in touch with commodity production calculations on a daily basis. It's scary, but again it makes sense since we need to feed more and more people now. Throughout these years, working in wildlife institution research made me come to the conclusion that diversification is important for ecosystems. When something is dominant, the ecosystem will go unbalanced, and there will be something that falls. I have analyzed many data for my research that I compared with LULC (Land Use & Land Cover) data that shows how scary the land conversion for farming (vegetables!) is. Did you know that potato is the culprit behind Dieng's landslide? 
   
   We can't just ask everyone to eat a single type of food when land is needed for production. Diversification, which I see in religions that ask their followers to eat different food, is somewhat good (e.g. Buddha prefers veganism, Islam orders no pork, and Jews have kosher restrictions). I would say that eating everything (but not wildlife) that's available nearby is the best solution for time being. And if that's not even solving the problem, then we need to go back to my #1 point above.
   
   
3. Buy multipurpose cleaning product
   
   I have been privileged to live on my own since a long time ago, so I have full independence in choosing which products I can use for home cleaning. Being in Bali for 6 years now and having a hobby of cleaning dishes, I am fortunate in how easy it is to access environmentally-friendly products here, so I could make comparisons. My house has a circular water management system, meaning that every drop of water from my kitchen or bathroom will go back to my garden, and that's where I will get water for a drink (I use a water filter and no longer buy bottled water since 2018). I slowly realized how important it was to consider the chemical used in my cleaning products. I started to cross out SLS, paraben, phthalate, and palm oil from all my cleaning products. It's very convenient that now small shops have started to provide a versatile, multi-purpose cleaning product that can be used for the body, hand, dish, floor, and cloth. I can just add small drops of essential oil whenever I want to. I hope these shops are growing bigger and more people will be interested in trying them. We have taken water for granted from the very first-time river valley civilizations that started thousand years ago. It's time to stop.
   
   
4. Manage our own organic waste
   
   Waste management relies heavily on infrastructure, meaning that it's useless if you have divided your trash by type, but the garbage pickup service at your housing complex will mix them up anyway. I have witnessed so many failing waste management programs because there is no infrastructure provided at the end of the customer journey. A similar problem happens in my area; I don't know if my garbage man will divide the waste or not, but the least I can do is have one bio pore infiltration hole, and I always put the valuable yet reusable waste in one bag. I know if I put them in one bag, that will make the garbage man realize that he can sell it again somewhere to be recycled. The most crucial is the organic waste because when it mixes up with reusable waste, then everything maybe needs to go to the landfill. By eliminating this, then it will reduce the number of landfill waste at least.
   
   
5. Pet only domestic and stray animals - sterilize them
   
   Okay, now is a very debatable issue for pets. Studies show that it is only the human species that keep other species as pets. The reason is many, say loneliness and the need for control. But humans are so selfish that it selects the most breed they want on domesticated pets, especially just because it's "cute". I am never a fanatic about any animal, but I choose a cat to pet. He came to my house around 6 months after I moved here, and I found something peculiar on his genitals. I decided to pet and love him, but not other cats. Time went by, and he got a urinary problem and was brought to a vet, and the vet said that he had been castrated. I was just about to sterilize him and kept thinking, who had castrated him? Was it the government or a random vet or clinic that had a stray operation?
   
   At that time, I realized the importance of taking care of stray cats. I taught him to not catch birds or random geckos (and now he's lazy af, a homebody lair, but that's fine), and I support movements to sterilize stray cats and dogs. There was a huge debate on Twitter saying that sterilizing them is ripping away their reproduction rights, but what I know is that feral animals can be a serious problem. Let's take an example in Australia. Feral cats have gone wild and killed an estimated more than 1 million native birds and 1.7 million reptiles across Australia every day. The government made a difficult decision to eradicate them just to be hated by the public. Speaking of reproduction rights, I am a full supporter of planned marriage and pregnancy, so while I am donating to the sterilization campaign, I am also limiting my own self rights to reproduce. When you think about it, sometimes, these not-to-sterilize campaigns for domestic pets are just used by greedy breeders to gain optimum profit by saying that some breeds are expensive and exclusive - while what I can see in all cats is... a cat.
   
   
6. Use a menstrual cup or reusable pad
   
   We can't debate someone's belief when they see a menstrual cup as a virginity destroyer, but there is always a safer choice: a reusable pad. As a woman, I've regretted how many single-use pads I had thrown away and ended up in a landfill. I've been using a menstrual cup, hand-in-hand with a reusable pad, for around two years now. It equals to 3,024 single-use pads (I used up to 4 a day in the first 3 days of my period). Some have criticized the rubber used in the cup or how much water is needed for washing reusable pads, but I see no other options at the moment. I once thought if I sterilized myself, I won't get any period, but that is wrong - so again, it's not a good option for now. It's up to you whether you see a menstrual cup as something against the cultural norm, but the hassle of washing reusable pads is not a reason to stop using single-use pads. I've seen so many personal care products, including diapers and menstrual pads on waterways in my research site, and don't you think it's one of the most disgusting things a human can do? 
   
   

   Baby diapers, just 3 meters away from a river

   
   
7. Clean up our cloud storage
   
   Did you know that Google now has a new regulation where it will reward any website that works fast (under 3 seconds) and lite? Data centers have used 1% of world energy to just run their server, and it's a bad situation for both the environment and their finances. That's why they will now reward good websites and punish bad websites by pushing them down in SERP (Search Engine Ranking Page). This is why I have a regular checkup on my cloud storage (I have so many emails that serve different purposes) and clean whatever that is already obsolete and unnecessary to keep. This looks silly, but as a person working in the digital industry, this is something that I can do for the environment. Using paper is so last year; our trash online is the new environmental waste.
   
   
8. Use electronic products as long as we can
   
   When I was a kid, my dad always taught me to buy electronics that could last for years. Later I found it's not only financially healthy but also environmentally friendly. At the moment, I still use a Toshiba laptop that my previous workplace bought for me in January 2014. I still use it for many data analysis processes until this year, almost all internet frameworks will stop supporting my OS. It still works well, and I even can still use it without any charger cable connected (and I haven't even replaced the battery). Toshiba has even closed its manufacture and support in Indonesia for laptop products, but my laptop is still running well.
   
   I fully understand that many producers now only build products that last up to two years, so consumers will keep buying, and they have cash flow. Nonetheless, electronic waste is worrying, and this is what keeps me to keep minimal when it comes to gadgets. I do regular clean up and check on my devices, making sure that they will run as long as possible until it's not possible again for them to run. I think, as a generation, we need to grow the spirit of maintenance and repair instead of replacement.
   
   

It takes 1950 years to consider Colosseum in Rome as 'ancient'

When cases of COVID-19 continued to arise in Indonesia, but people started to talk less about it, medical professionals and netizens raged on social media. People also included a chart that they referred to as “illogical” because cases were still on the rise, but people were already outside of their homes. This, actually, is a simple question with an easy answer: it’s a matter of time. What time is capable of? Oh, so many.

In the case of COVID-19 apathy, I hypothesize that people are becoming familiar with the disease, having their acquaintances get infected - and some of them get cured, getting more knowledge on the prevention and the death rate is touching the point of 3%, and also accessibility to cheaper preventive measures - face mask and alcohol. All those factors make the increase in less wary of COVID-19 the most sense. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that everyone really abandons the fact that the pandemic is still there. It's just that they are becoming more familiar with the pandemic situation.

When we talk about the bigger picture in science, such as evolution, space, and galaxy, or volcanology, time is a big factor to consider. In every second, something happens. That “something” then will accumulate and sometimes only take effect after a thousand or million years. Human lifespan is around 60-100 years; imagine how short it is for massive changes such as glacier formation, a new planet found, or a new species appearing. It’s still fresh in mind that Mt. Sinabung was only active in 2010 after 400-ish years of dormancy. Different laws apply, though, for example, the quick evolution of moon butterflies in Savai'i Island, which I have written about in another blog post.

The same case happens in the technology industry. The new generation - we call them the “Digital Native”, was born in a world full of technology. This new tech makes our life efficient and easier than ever. If you were born in the 90s, have you ever imagined in your childhood that you could call your grandparents a hundred miles away and see their live faces while you are talking to them? Amazing, right? Someone told me in the past that the aim of technology is to raise the quality of human lives, to free them from doing small things, and focus on what matters the most. I see it now, as we no longer need to remind ourselves to send an email with an automatic sender feature or even to lock our door with the help of smart house technology. Why does time matter? Because somewhere out there, people are making batteries to be less expensive and more sustainable, and other people are making smarter and less energy-consuming smart chips for our devices. There are people who are developing more efficient online storage and listing, making your video calls run smoothly and enabling you to learn online during a pandemic. The collective actions through time make technology lighter and cheaper than ever. If this massive pandemic happened 10 years ago, I couldn’t imagine how difficult our society would cope. 

In our short species’ lifespan, imagine how our perception of time has been shaped. If we live for 60 years, loving and committing to a single person for 20 years would take one-third of our lifetime. If you are married in 25, you would need 35 years to love this person - more than 50% of your lifetime. An increase in the economy in one decade would only take one-sixth of your lifetime, and I consider it as quick progress. In some episodes of I am a Killer on Netflix portraying people who deal with lifetime or death sentences, lots of people choose to forgive over time rather than just keep the anger to their family member’s killers. In social psychology, we have a term called temporal distance, or a time that separates us from target events. One experiment study showed that we tend to forgive something that occurred in the distant past, and we have the power to manipulate our brain to see something as happened in a very distant past to seek less revenge or avoid the transgressors (Wohl & McGrath, 2007). This finding is quite consistent with other research about forgiveness and temporal distance - though the trauma effect of the event would vary depending on the event itself and other factors.

Does time heal all wounds? I would say yes. The universe is changing, people change, and we change. But often, we don’t notice that we change, the opposite of how much we notice how other people change. When things go in a direction that we’ve never expected before, I think it’s fine. What we need to do is to reflect and adapt. If we can’t argue with it, or deal with it, we just leave it for a while to absorb all the emotions by ourselves. Then come back there. All the emotions in the past; rage or anger - you’ll see that it has changed. It's just a matter of time.

Garden of One Thousand Buddhas

I have been fed up with social media recently.

I know that out there, a strong social movement is growing due to a disappointing act by the two powers (I already got a bad feeling knowing that the winning president and political party ruled by the same power). I did what I could and took a break from my personal accounts.

Taking a break from social media gives me time to read. At the moment, I am finishing one of Sagan's books: The Demon-Haunted World. I have mixed feelings about this book; in some parts, he turned into a fanatic like Richard Dawkins, and in others, he wrote like the person I knew from his other books and lectures. However, this book introduced me to James Randi, one of the greatest anti-science debunkers of all time. But just a few days I knew him, he passed away - just two days ago.

James Randi was an interesting person. I just watched his lectures from his channel, James Randi Foundation (which he dedicated to supporting science), and I think he was a person with a very strong personality. When I learned from Sagan's book that he was a magician, I was excited. I think being a magician is a very interesting job, as I grew up with Kindaichi's manga, in which the lead character had a genius magician opponent - and Now You See Me, a movie that blew my mind away. A magician would be a perfect fit character to debunk the anti-science movement, and his words were very strong when he said that he tricked people, and he blatantly said he did, and he disliked people who tricked people and said that was the truth.

Update: Indonesia now has its own 'James Randi': Pesulap Merah! I am super excited.

Now when we think about it, the community that holds the responsibility to debunk anti-science is the scientific community, the scientists. But James Randi proved that magicians could be the greatest science communicators of all time. I always favor this premise: you don't have to come from a specific background to excel in things. You need hard work for it. Just like Wallace, who didn't come from a wealthy family like Darwin did; or Goodall, who didn't have any academic degree in Biology to get a groundbreaking primate research finding; or Carl Sagan, whose parents were immigrants but did an excellent job on storytelling for communicating the works of NASA.

From James Randi I also learn one important thing. Maybe it's okay if it's not a scientist who is able to speak humanly to people about anti-science. Maybe it's okay to not take part in something that society told you to, or you are demanded to do so. Maybe it's okay to be someone that doesn't fit somebody's expectations, no matter how important this person is to us. Maybe it's okay to be someone who is quietly listening and giving others a chance to get the spotlight when this world demands you to be 'on the show' more. There are billions of people on this planet - a hundred thousand millions of stars in this galaxy, and you are a non-unique tiny little piece, and that's okay. 

Maybe it's not you, and that is okay.