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| “We do not simply give birth to a child. We give birth to new versions of ourselves.” – Dr. Shefali Tsabary |
In the past, I longed for the Western approach to things. Independence, creativity, freedom, secularism, and the list goes on. My 25-year-old self thought it was so cool that I could get out of my dad’s house and buy my own independence using my own self-made money. Into a career that I would proudly say that it was my own achievement, without any help from anyone.
Mine, mine, mine, me, me, me.
I want this, I want that, for me.
And boom, that changed when my baby turned into a toddler, and I started to reclaim my life.
At first, I was so proud that I could take care of a baby, clueless, in a place where I had no family, and not hire a nanny or domestic helper. Every milestone, like a full two-year breastfeeding, teaching my son how to walk and talk, I feel like the award is mine and my husband’s only. But that changed when I decided to take one of my life’s major commitments in the Capital.
I need to fly at least once a month to Jakarta, and this mid-year I decided to bring my son along without my husband. Difficult decision because my husband needed to stay in Bali so we were apart for two months. The longest we ever had since we even ever met. There, my husband’s family helped a lot to take care of my son whenever I needed to go some places here and there. Doing things that I left in hiatus during my pregnancy and early motherhood.
Throughout my early motherhood, some people (especially my Dad), always asked me why I didn't hire a nanny to help out with my son. In his time as a new Dad, he hired two, one for my sister and one for me. I always thought that was just another Boomer’s question and way of thinking that we always need “low-paid labor” to do our job. But then I noticed it was their way of caring for me, that I wouldn’t be able to fully work or do things in my life if I only cared about caregiving. It was their way to ask: why don’t you have any help? You obviously need one.
But the answer is never a single option. I think hiring a nanny is one option, and for some people living in the past or a city with limited options (like there is no daycare), maybe this is the most reasonable one. When I was in the early process of reclaiming my old self, I indeed realized I can’t do this alone. My mother-in-law filled the void that my late mom left, and some other time, I left Bali on my own to do fieldwork, and there I found my husband taking care of our son on his own, with the help of our very nice daycare. It is true that it takes a village to raise a kid, and I am so privileged to find my village. My achievements are no longer exclusively mine. I got many help along the way.
This year I joined (read: trapped) in a public lecture on gerontology where two experts came in and gave a talk on how to age gracefully (well, healthier and happier). Turns out, recent studies have found that regularly helping with grandchildren can improve elders’ general health and well-being when the involvement is moderate and joyful. Those Western people who raise their eyebrows when knowing we’re Asians living with our parents and grandchildren are now the ones who learn something.
Evolutionarily, we know that one of the main reasons humans can survive is because we are able to work as a team. We are physically weaker than many large predators, so we rely on cooperation to thrive. And as a person studying social psychology, I dare to say, teamwork is never an easy task. To be a team player, “me, me, me” needs to be diminished. We need to think about others’ needs too. And this is a kind of public good game: imagine if each person in the group thinks about others, then no one will suffer.
Ironically, the older I become, the clearer the view I get. To see which person can be a true team player, the person who can diffuse themselves into the group. Sometimes I choose to turn a blind eye to it, but, truly, it hurts. But maybe the saying that we are all becoming a similar urban persona that is so individualistic is true. We really care about our mental health that we don’t care if it creates a situation of hurting someone else’s. We'll be asked to understand others’ situations workaround the clock while no one cares about our feelings. It’s becoming a weird teamwork: the most resilient ones, the ones who never complained, will be left to cry alone and have some big shoes to fill.
Last week, I got my son a wipe and clean activity book, and he was really excited. He used it for hours, and he didn’t care when the food was ready for dinner. My tired husband and I got angry, then we took his dinner and banned him from eating that night. He cried and sobbed, and most of the time he’s an easy baby and never has a tantrum. Not ever. The next morning, my husband and I realized that we were wrong, that he is just a small kid with a new book that he loves, and maybe we needed to give him time. We hugged him and apologized, admitting we were wrong, although we never knew if he was big enough to understand what we said.
Now I understand why having and building a healthy family is important for a human’s own self-development. It puts you in a group that you need to constantly thank, compromise, apologize, fight for and to each other. Imagine if each person in the group doing that in every difficult situation. That makes you humble, and when you receive it, you feel loved. And that’s how I shape a new worldview where I respect only those people who can brace a mea culpa to their teammates, regardless of their position to each other. Maybe, the Eastern teaching is not bad after all.
A “we”, over “me”.
