Fresh Wind & Green Grass

A full moon in Denpasar

Everyone's not perfect.
That is the lesson I learned after several times failing in relationships thing (and not limited to only romantic ones). I have a tendency to see someone perfectly at the beginning of everything. Forgetting that humans are never flawless. This is a cliché, but it has struck me so hard lately. My favorite star hooked up with her fan during the tour, my favorite writer is being obsessive with his belief, and my favorite people are racist ... and all other major events in my life that I wouldn't talk about. But then I realized they are all humans, and they at least still possess positive things that I can learn. And after all the tears and heartbreaking moments, I want to give a shot at some people's characters that I respect and will always be.

1. On being spirited
I've only had one research boss. He's quite a hot-headed person sometimes, but he is always spirited in his expertise. He is the kind of person that makes you eager to listen and also wants to share your academia-problem. He is helpful when it comes to his expertise; I remember times when he was not officially my boss but was willing to help to be a judge for a writing competition event held by my organization. He is patiently learning a bunch of new skills from new people to perfect his work. When he is committed or once said he would work on a project, he'll do it to the fullest. Surprisingly in some unexpected moments, he will ask you about the project you ever told him to help with and ask for its continuation - and it is such an amazing thing when I know his schedule is full of fieldwork, grant management, administration stuff, and also a family. But after having some occasions with his wife, I know what it takes: a super patient wife to take care of all the rest of it.

2. On being conscientious
I only have had one thesis supervisor for more than 6 years. My relationship with him is not a kind of heart-pouring relationship, as many other students see us as one. We've been through many arguments and disagreements. But we did it in a healthy way. I think that's what makes our relationship stays. He is a fair professor that never sees one's quality from age - or background. He taught me to see people on both sides - they, indeed, sometimes trigger our deepest anger, but we can see something in them. He was the one who said to me that attitude sometimes does not go along with intelligence, and that is fine. Being in six healthy years with him also made me realize that he never takes something too personally when we decide to be academic. Any critics are fine when put in the right place. Far before I was exposed to Western culture about criticizing, he taught me that being fair means receiving critics with a smile and...come back. Do not give up; learning is hard. He often told me about the era when he took postgraduate without the internet, and all journals he was looking for must be checked manually in the library. Giving up on something is pernicious unless it is a thing that is illogical to do.

3. On being kind
I have a problem with trusting older women - I admit that. I had some traumatic events in the past that I am still trying to get rid of. But then I met this woman, who I can say, have the biggest heart in this world. I shared with her some heartbreaking experiences, and she listened and then gave some advice that - perhaps it sacrifices ourselves but - just be kind. It is okay to be angry - rationally. It is okay to take some time alone to think about many things. But she never suggested any kind of revenge. Indeed she is not perfect - neither is anyone. She sometimes told me stories about the racism she faced years ago, but she decided to forgive it. Only with that we, as women, can through a lot of things ahead. Last night I read an article from medical professionals on why women get fatter after getting married. It is basically because of lesser time for themselves getting sports or fun activities. Their time must be used for work, kids, and domestic things. Women - in most cultures, are sensitive being, and it is acceptable to say that women should take the role of someone who is forgiving in the family. She forged me to train myself to be one. Being kind means giving ourselves a chance to be happy with ourselves.

4. On being fair
Everyone has a favorite; we do. But one of my past bosses taught me that it could be harmful. He is a nice, talkative, advanced-in-networking person and the first person who taught me to face clients eloquently and in a proper manner while I can. It is sometimes unavoidable to have such bad clients sometimes, and it is okay to show your anger to your colleagues in the office. He is also a person who spends his time sometimes in the noon having a light conversation with our office's security guards or low-level staff. I enjoyed my time traveling from Jakarta to Bogor for a client, with him driving and telling me a lot of stories about when he was young, working as a phone-line salesman, and hearing so many people shouting at him. He experienced times when he had to work as a door-to-door marketer and many rough jobs to survive and postponed his college period. He said everyone wants to be treated nice - the question is, can we treat people equally? He shared that it is what a leader has to do - being fair to every staff. "Having a favorite is the least you should do if you run a communication business - because everyone is sensing it" - he said, and he had shown it enough to me. Our last argument could not be called nice, but I still respect him in many ways. He was fair to me for the very last moment - when he wrote a goodbye letter and sincerely said thank you for me helping his business grow in our last annual meeting.

And after 25 years, I now truly understand why I should not put anyone on a pedestal.
We are not perfect, and by acknowledging that everyone is not perfect, we are able to be more forgiving, fair, kind, and conscientious in daily life and work.
I will kill my addiction to some people - and commit myself to mastering it.
We do not expect anyone to be perfect, so we will be resilient.
Just like what Soe Hok Gie once said:
"Kita tak pernah menanamkan apa-apa, kita tidak akan kehilangan apa-apa."

This writing is inspired by this article and this video.

A few weeks ago, I read a writing by an extraordinary Indonesian woman who has been trying to respect religious people but failed all the time. The other time, I heard one of my best friends complain about how feminists are too sensitive to many simple things that people do with no intention of disrespecting anyone. The other time, I remember a time when I said biologists easily disrespect people from another field. 

Some great scientists say that the only difference between humans and animals is humans create dual reality. Name it as creativity, religion, myth, imagination, whatever - those are forms of dual reality; that we see what we do not see. And here I am, trapped in my dual reality.

This year is harsh for me. I am free from a stressful job in a stressful city without expecting another stressful condition: being alone.  Last year I was lonely, but now, I am alone - literally. My five closest women moved out of the city. I had a chance to visit three of them in Bandung and Bali, and for the others, I only had a chance to call her because she resides in Papua, and others one only through texts since she continues her study in Uncle Sam's country. I lost the five closest connections that share common interests with me: art, environment, and economics - at the same time. I create a dual reality every time I sit alone in front of my computer that I try to be happy alone.

Then another crappy thing ahead: I am frustrated by the ethical review for my three types of research on my campus, and I need more challenge in work; I know I need a friend. I try to make new close friends but always fail. I often later found a fundamental thing that differentiates me from the so-called "new" friends. I am no better than them; I am not saying my stance is better; it is just that we are different.

I easily grow fondness of strong young women who respect arts and science in the same proportion, the women who really know what she wants to do in their life. Because of growing a healthy relationship with these women, I grow stronger and more inspired every single time we have coffee or tea or talk about silly things in life. They make me realize what I really want to do in my life, what kind of job I really want to pursue, and what skills I require, and all things that I am doing right now are inspired by them. I learn about economics, arts, writing, love, traveling, military spirit, sports - even cosmetics from them. My dual reality - just like arts. Sometimes, what is delivered to our eyes cannot be interpreted the same way they are.

Now I really miss them.

But here I create my dual reality again: I believe that this is the challenge that I need to step on it, a period when you and your closest friends are apart, chasing each other's dream, and in several years you will meet them again in the more mature, experienced, and lot-of-stories-to-tell individual. Fortunately, during this period, an older woman came into my life and taught me many things to be stronger than I was.

Last night I dreamed that I was having such a good time with my partner, then I went upstairs and met those ladies, one by one.

Dual reality helps human seeks meaning and self-worth, and that is mine.